Foggy Day Productions

                Normally I would prefer for my blogs to be posted on a Friday morning but due to extenuating circumstances I wasn’t able to post it till today. There have been a number of things to happen to me both before and after the new years that have cause me to become backed up. I had taken several things into consideration beforehand and had written several blogs ahead of time to be posted at a later date. But one cannot foresee all obstacles and I of course have now lost that bit of cushion I once had relied on.

                One of my most recent annoyances was a change in my internet service provider. At the moment this particular provider will go nameless but I’m sure some of you have your good guesses. I recently signed up for their new service and thus their “fastest” available in our area…. But I’ve heard that before, from the same provider. This company’s customer service really sucks and everything about them is a major pain in the ass. But in my area there’s only two companies providing internet and one of which is Time Warner. I loved their Road Runner internet! Super-fast but also super pricey! I kind of wish I had stayed with them….

                But enough about that! I’ve had so much crap piled on top of me lately that I barely even know my own name anymore! I swear sometimes when you clear up one problem a much bigger one falls on your lap! But this strangely enough is how life goes, you just gotta face it one problem at a time. One obstacle at a time. I know that sometimes it looks like your whole world is crashing down on you but in the end the world just keeps on turning. Whether you deal with something or you don’t, you just got to try to move on with your life. Honestly… what else can you do?

                Yes times can seem hectic and I know a great many people that are going through a hard time at the moment. I really don’t know what it could be, but it seems to be a season of misfortune for a lot of people right now. But just like any other season, you just have to pull through it and wait for the season to change. Things can’t always be bad just the same as things can’t always be good. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see the good things in life.

                I can’t tell you how or where to find comfort, I barely know myself sometimes. But we all just have to at least try to pull through and hope for a happy ending. Hehe Well whatever a “Happy Ending” means to you, go for it! That is as long as you’re not hurting anyone! So to all of you I do once again apologize and I do hope you continue enjoying my blogs, belated or not.

riz-k asked: did you use to go home right after school just to watch Digimon too? :) i love that you have the originals, after they started changing them i wasnt into it. havea great day!!

Yep! Im still obsessed with the first season! I really wished they had continued in that direction! Who’s ur favorite digimon?

The 13th

            For those of you that know me well, you know that I am a very superstitious man, I believe in ghosts, UFOs, and secretly hope that unicorns exist! I don’t really know where any of my superstitious behaviors actually come from but they do further support my fascination with the occult. Witches, demons, and even zombies usually attract my attention in a good story but dealing with real ones does kind of frighten me still.

            Black Cats, I know people say that they are bad luck if they cross your path, but technically any cat that crosses your path is bad luck! I suppose that a black cat is especially scary to people since they are often associated with witches. Either as a witch transformed or even a spy for a witch! Growing up I’ve heard all kinds of stories, even one where along with other ingredients a black cat is thrown alive into a boiling pot! Then when there’s nothing left but the poor thing’s bones, the witch would then bite down on the bones one by one. When the witch came to the correct bone he/she would become invisible!

            Witches! Growing up here in the Rio Grande Valley I’m sure most people have heard the stories of witches and lechusas. And thanks to the most recent season of True Blood, witches are back in the lime light. The major threat this season came from a group of Necromancers, which throughout history have been known to literally control the dead for various purposes. But the witches we hear about in this area aren’t necessarily bad people, some are actually healers and herbalists. And most of the witches that do harm are usually for hire, people that believe in witchcraft but either don’t know how to do it or don’t want to get their own hands dirty hire such witches.

            I’m sure some of you are wondering about the word “Lechusa” that I used earlier. Well that’s a Spanish word for a type of owl that is said to be a witch transformed. The owls in question are usually the moon faced barn owls, which I personally find quite beautiful! That is the ones that aren’t witches, everyone’s heard an owl screeching but once you hear the distinct “cackle” you know it’s something else. It’s very hard to describe and only those who have heard it can identify but yes they can be very scary. There’s even stories that they carry a small lantern with them and the can be seen in a dark field or wooded area as lights.

            Yes those are all real and physical things that stem from old folklore but what about non-physical threats? Threats like walking under a ladder, spilling some salt, or breaking a mirror! It may seem strange but I broke a mirror a long time ago and it seems like I did have a streak of bad luck! But not all of these things mean something bad, if you drop a spoon it means a woman is going to visit you. If it’s a fork then it’s a man! So ladies, it’s time to start polishing your forks!

            Ok so these are the things to look out for but is there any preventing them? Of course there is! When you spill salt you just throw it over your right shoulder, if a cat crosses you then just do the sign of the cross three times where it crossed. There’s also various herbs that can protect you, mint is one of them and it’s also good for money. Roses and garlic are said to keep vampires and bad spirits away. My boyfriend Rene’s favorite incense Nagchampa is said to repel demons and evil spirits. And one thing from my favorite video game Silent Hill is known in the game as Aglaophotis, which is a red liquid or even a red tablet. This as some believe, originates from Alchemy, Aglaophotis is made from the Peony flower which is said to be mixed with sugar and holy water to make a powerful defense against demons!

            Oh and of course if you have all of this in mind remember holy water, if you believe in it then it can help you. And as anyone that practices good magic or prays to the saints would tell you, above all ask god first for your favor. I’ve had my fair dealings with fanatics in my life and I know what a dangerous force they can be, just like zombies the danger lies when encountering them in large numbers. But my biggest mistake in life has been that I let those few arrogant judgmental hypocrites repel me from the church. But I know now that god is with me now and whenever I need him. I know that things happen for a reason, whatever that may be, but I know in times of great stress or anguish I turn to him. I always have….

           So I guess in a way that makes me a superstitious person, I pray, I pick pennies up off the ground, and I do occasionally dabble in herbal remedies. In a way I suppose that it makes my life seem a bit more magical, like in the movies! Oh how I wish for things like fairies, talking donkeys, and unicorns! But I suppose I have to live in the real world and here is where I can find magic of my own. Like winning a contest, seeing hot shirtless joggers, or even just the little things that make me smile. My boyfriend, Rene and my dog, Berger are responsible for most of those! So everyone that’s out there today, try not to be afraid but still try to avoid any “unlucky” things! Once again, until next time, I wish you all the best!

#30. GET A PET

            October 14th 2011 the most precious thing happened, my baby dog was born! The night before my boyfriend Rene and I decided to stay the night at his mother’s house while she was out of town. We noticed that one of her dogs a Yorkie named princess was acting rather strange. And yes, we were aware that she was pregnant because my mother-in-law’s other Yorkie Mateo was obviously busy at work so to say. Throughout the night we heard noises that we weren’t really sure of but it sounded like puppies. The next morning we found that Princess had three puppies, which we later discovered that there was a forth one that liked to wander away. Although I’m not too sure if that was even my dog or not but I did like that puppy’s independence. Three of these puppies were girls and only one was a boy, the boy is the one we kept. We had considered a girl but somehow at the last minute decided on a boy, we named him Berger!

            Most people, when told what his name is immediately think of a hamburger and think it’s the cutest name ever! Which once we’ve explained the origin of his name they like it even more! We named our little dog after a character from the Broadway show Hair! Berger was always my favorite character from the show and the show itself is one of Rene’s favorites as well. So we went to Petco in Weslaco, got great help, and we made his tag. A little blue-grey bone shaped tag with his name on it, BERGER.

            We waited at least a month to bring my baby home because he still needed his mother’s milk. And at one point we did bring him home but he was crying so much that night that we felt that maybe it was too soon to be away from his mother and sisters, so we took him back. Then around Thanksgiving time we brought him home again. We got him a bed, some toys, and even a powdered baby formula which he loved! He did cry the first few nights and we were told to play with him and bring him on the bed when he started crying. Well we did that, just for a little while though, and it worked! Since then my baby has gotten more and more independent.

            Yes, we’ve had our ups and downs with this little dog, but no matter how much he drives us up the walls sometimes we love our little Berger! I love to see him run! He gets so excited when one of us comes home and especially when we have to feed him! Oh, and yeah he already knows THAT schedule! Just recently he’s started to bark and even jumping up on some of the lower shelves. Sometimes we think we spoil him a bit too much, Berger loves being carried and usually takes a nap on either our feet, lap, or in our arms! Yes he can be a bit hard headed and still isn’t properly house broken yet but he’s getting there. We’ve just recently run out of his formula and with the growth of his teeth we decided to try and “Puppy Formula” dog food we got at HEB. Well he loves it but his breath and poop are starting to smell a bit. That and now his poop seems to be softer and more complicated to clean up after. So I think we’ll try the organic puppy food a Blue Buffalo rep recommended at Petco. From what she said I’m sure that will solve a lot of our new problems, but I high hopes it will since she’s the one that recommended the powdered food to begin with!

            Berger’s teeth! Yes my baby is teething and he’s gotten the habit of chewing primarily on us! At first it was cute and it didn’t bother us any but now that some of his canine teeth have come in it does hurt a little. He has chew toys which we encourage him to play with but even then he still does tend to get a bit bitey. Definitely a habit that we want him to grow out of! But I know it’s all in good fun with him and sometimes it’s purely by accident. Especially when he kisses us we can feel his teeth every now and then. His little claws were also beginning to be a problem when he would kiss us or play with us but we’ve since had them clipped.

           There’s times where we feel like if we ARE his parents! Raising him does at times feel very much like raising a child! He can be needy, whiny, but at the same time the most adorable thing ever! Sometimes after we’ve gotten after him he’ll go to the other person and turn his little face away from the one that got after him. He really is a good little dog and has brought much happiness to our home! He’s certainly pretty good practice for when we finally do adopt a child of our own! I feel so fulfilled after having crossed this one off of my list, I love our little dog, our little Berger.

New Years Past and Present

           I still remember as a kid looking forward to New Years eve only with hopes of popping fireworks but never really knowing the true meaning of the holiday. As a child one only focuses on the little things that seem so fun and wondrous with little to no regard to anything else. But now as an adult sadly somehow the fireworks don’t really come into mind… could it be that the light and whimsy of a child has escaped me already? With so many out there having such trying times, is there really much cause to celebrate? I can always remember Halloweens past, Christmases, and even Thanksgivings long since eaten, but very few New Years memories come to mind.

           One chilling memory of New Years Eve that still resonates in my head is the year that I worked at Wal-Mart in Weslaco. Everything was fine that night, for being a holiday it wasn’t as busy as I thought it would be, not slow but slow enough to where I was let off the registers to work on returns. I remember being in such a hurry to finish up because I was due to leave pretty soon and I didn’t want to stay behind since I had plans later that evening with my boyfriend Rene. I remember getting a cart and rushing it to the grocery side, I passed the front door where the McDonald’s was and hurried to leave the cart. I left the cart in a random aisle for a grocery associate to find and was about the rush back the way I came. Past the very same front door that I had passed earlier.

           Well being Wal-Mart, I was stopped by a customer! A strange yet somewhat pleasant man stopped me and asked me for “those little corn things in menudo.” This of course is translated from Spanish and I showed him where it was and told him it was called “Hominy.” He then started asking me all sorts of weirdly redundant questions like; “what is it used for?” “What is it?” And, “How do you make it?” After going in circles for a bit I finished with the man and was about to rush back the way I came…. then I saw it! The whole front wall caving in!

           I really couldn’t believe what I was seeing, although I wanted to get closer to look I was terrified when I saw what it was. A car! It drove into the store, through the entrance I had passed earlier and had it not been for that one customer I would have been right in front of it! A black Cadillac drove into the store and made a hard right taking out about six to eight cash registers with it! It was making a run to the other entrance, swat team members armed with heavy machine guns rushed in on foot right behind the car. There was so much commotion that I may have lost hearing for several minutes, I may have heard the pops but at this point I guess I imagined that. I car made it to the other entrance but he didn’t make it out alive.

           The store was a grizzly scene; people in a panic, things everywhere, some registers literally obliterated! Even though I have no training in well, anything, I still went around to see how I could help anyone. I walked by some cash registers that had been destroyed and I came to one aisle of registers that I thought were ok. There’s where everything started to become real for me… a woman was there holding her two kids, just freaking out and crying. Inches in front of them were two registers that might as well have been welded together! The car had just barely missed this woman and her kids…. just barely. At that point I wanted to join them and start crying too!

           Luckily the woman and her kids were ok but that wasn’t the case for several other people. On the other side of the smashed registers I found an older lady lying on the ground, still conscious and coughing up blood. It looked like something out of a movie! Another customer who was probably trained as a nurse was attending to the lady. He then turned to me and asked me for a big roll of paper towels that was behind me, but in my state of shock I misunderstood what he had asked of me and gave him some paper from the roll. Then later on when I realized what he wanted I gave him the whole roll which he then used to support the lady’s head. I had heard that a few other people were hit including a new cart pusher and one of the greeters that I did see on the floor. Luckily from what I remember at least, nobody was killed in the Wal-mart incident except the driver himself.

           There’s more to this story but I only personally witnessed the end of it… to tell you the truth I still feel a little weird remembering that night. I haven’t really talked to many people about it though. I still remember this one girl that I worked with, she came up to me and this other guy in a very dramatic fashion and gave us both a hug. She kept saying, “Oh, oh! Thank god your alright! Oh, Carlos your ok! Oh my god!” Then a customer came up to ask us something and her attitude did a 180 and told him in Spanish, “Sir! Can’t you see that we’re evacuating the store!” Then snap! Back to tears! She is really a wonderful person and a good friend though, but that was really funny when she did that!

           The store was evacuated, reports were made, and eventually things went back to normal. But I still can’t help but wonder about that weird man, had it not been for him… well sometimes I think that I may not have been around to celebrate that New Years or the others since. He did kind of “reappear” later in the evening, after the crash and during the commotion. He stood beside me and I remember him saying something or other but in my state of agitation I can’t for the life of me remember what he said… or where he went for that matter.

           A few people have told me that he may have been my guardian angel but that I can’t be sure of. I just know that I am grateful to that man for having stopped me when he did. As shaken as I was by the whole ordeal, that New Years Eve turned out to be a happy one that I spent with family. The following years weren’t really eventful but they were good joyous occasions. And now as I’m sure I’m not the only one out there facing hard times I see New Years for what it really is. A time for hope, a beacon of things to come. I see the new year as a new beginning, a step into the future, and with that in mind I’ve regained the magic that is New Years Eve! I can only hope that my next year is better than the last. I still remember all the wonderful things that happened this last year and I look forward to all the unknown wonders that await me for next year!

          So to all my readers, thank you for being with me. I hope that this new year brings to you all more sun-filled days and starry nights! I wish to you all the best things in life! And even if things look grim, remember that a storm as bad as it is, doesn’t last forever! So from my family to yours, have a Happy New Years!

The Joy of Christmas

           Yes this year I am filled with joy! Apart from my newest accomplishments and a new member of our family (Berger), I’ve completed my Christmas shopping and wrapping in time this year! No more last minute wrapping in the car for me! And yes, you read right, there’s a new member to our family a yorkie puppy named Berger! But I’ll tell you all about him in a future blog!

           Christmas for me at a young age was filled with magic and glee! I remember one year that my older brother Aaron told me that he heard Santa on the roof and the jingling of bells! I believed this of course and wished more than anything to have seen that too! I loved Christmas and even as a small child I’ve always loved to give gifts and wrapping them was one of my favorite things to do! I was in my school’s choir back then and I liked to sing in front of people! But my teacher was a prissy queen that was obsessed with the sound of music! I’ve hated that soundtrack until I recently saw the movie with my boyfriend Rene. Now, that I’ve seen the movie and loved it, I’ve made peace with those songs.

           Yes my childhood Christmases as poor as they were, were fun! But then there was a long period where I no longer felt the spirit of Christmas. I no longer looked forward to the holiday and the only thing I sort of liked about it was the gifts. But the day itself felt like any other day to me. This went on for a very long while until I was an adult. Then I started to get back in the habit of trying to give gifts again, which I’ve always loved!

           Then in a few years ago my first niece and nephew were born! Together they brought a new hope into the lives of my family, things definitely changed when they were born. Then shortly after two more nieces came! During this period I met the love of my life, Rene. A man that has brought a light into my dark world! Little by little I then started to look forward to Christmas! Now having so many people to shop for, I’ve started to feel the fun of the holiday again! With Rene’s family I felt like the Grinch on Christmas Day looking down at Whoville, so close and happy were they at this time of year. My family, although we lead separate lives, we try our best to stay together around this time of year as well.

           But this year, much like the movie, there is a house without a Christmas tree. My mother recently lost her home to foreclosure (long, long story) and has since moved into a much smaller yet cute rental home. Yes she does feel a bit depressed about the whole thing and she’s not well in her health, so I suppose that’s why she hasn’t decorated or even tried this year. But knowing my family, I’m sure it’s just a matter of getting together at the very last second! I know that I myself will be heading over to that house with a heavy load of Christmas cheer! My mom, won’t really be expecting anything but I do plan to try and make things happy for her!

           Although we are all facing problems this year (myself included), we still got to sit and think about all the good things that we have going on this year. I know that this is not my worst year by far, although I can’t really remember of a time when it was worse… well, maybe that one year when we were homeless…. But never mind that! The point is that everyone should count their blessings and they’ll see that most of the time they outweigh the bad stuff!

          I have my health, my boyfriend, my dog, my nieces, my nephew, my brothers, my sister in law Selina, Rene’s family (that’s pretty much my family too), my friends, my promotion, my return to school, and my mother! There are many things in this life that I love so dearly… that’s what makes my Christmas for me. Problems are a dime a dozen and they eventually pass, but all the things that are important to me…. they’re forever! So to everyone out there in the digital world (and the real one), have a very Merry Christmas!

#10 START SCHOOL AGAIN

            Well I did it! At first I couldn’t believe that I was actually returning to school. Then I felt like some unforeseen force of nature would prevent me from returning. And then yes I’ll admit I had some doubts about whether or not I would even be able to do well in school. This is why I waited as long as I did to post this entry… Yes people, I’m back in school!!!

            I love that I’m able to say that again! I love that I’m doing very well in school! I love that I now have some hope for the future! The future that I plan to build for myself and my growing family! Well school started at the end of August and the semester is now coming to a close. I’ve had some hardship at first, getting used to the workload, dealing with scheduling problems at my work, and a myriad of other little problems I’ve had to deal with this semester. But I did it! I’m done and best of all I’ve passed!

            This semester I took classes that I felt that I would enjoy and one that was required… that one being math! Lol I’ve also taken English, Speech, and College Success! English was so much fun and it helped to fine tune my writing. I took that class with Dr. David Oakes and boy was it interesting as hell! This man is off the walls with energy and he loves zombies! He also likes some of the strangest B-Movies that even I have never heard of! For anyone needing to take an English class I whole heartedly recommend him! Him and Mrs. Carmela Jimenez, she was my speech teacher and I swear I’ve never met anyone nicer! The assignments and reviews are great and she uses lots of personal experience to teach her class! She is really fun and a very good teacher… I just wish I could take her class again! Lol

            I bet you’re all wondering about my grades… Well I got A’s in three classes! And the 4^th one of course is my math class which I barely scraped by with a C! Word of advice, study for your final exam people! It will help you a boat load! I am so glad that I’ve returned to school and have done so well. I’ve met some great friends here and have found that I now have a drive and motivation that I’ve never had before! I plan to go far with my education and my career! What’s my major you may ask? Well it’s English! This is what I plan to major in with maybe a minor in Journalism, Communications, or both!

            For all of you out there planning on returning to school… please do! It’s definitely quite an experience that I can hardly describe. But please have in mind that it’s not like high school. It’s not a place to just come and hang out with friends, skip class, not do any work, and still pass. No! Your grades are solely based on what you’ve done. And if you come and don’t even at least try then I’m sorry but you may have well not even come at all. But if you tried and failed, don’t you dare be ashamed because you at least tried! And of course you can always try again! Hell, look at me!

            I’ve been to school before but I had no reason, no motivation. There was nothing that I really wanted at that point. So I let things distract me and eventually I left. Just like in high school. But in those times I didn’t know what I wanted and whenever I even had an idea of what I might like it would get shot down immediately. So my point is, study what you like and what you see yourself doing five or ten years from now! Listen to your own wants and needs and please don’t let anyone push you in directions that you don’t want to go. Also don’t let things get to you, try to keep things that happen both at school out of school out of the way of what you are doing. Because if school and a bright future is what you want, then school comes first!

            Finally I leave you with one final thought… School, for however long you may be going, might seem like a lot of work. You might think, “Man I still need three more years to go! This is a lot of work!” Well yes it may be but in that case think only about what you’re doing right now! Take it one semester at a time and concentrate on assignments that are due now! And by the time you know it you’re done! I know everyone’s experience at school will vary but do the best you can and you’ll be ok.

                To my dear readers on Tumblr,

                These past few months have been quite hectic for me and I do apologize for not posting any new blog entries. I do hope that many of you that would read my entries are still around as I do plan to continue with my writing. As you can see from the Bucket List I’ve included on the bottom of this page, I’ve added some new goals and I’ve also completed several others. I do plan on posting a new blog every Monday on topics both, Bucket List related and non-Bucket List related. I hope you enjoy what I have to write because it is all I have to offer you at this time. Thank you everyone that has been following my blog and I do apologize once again.

Sincerely,

Charlie

P.S.: I know some of you might be wondering about some of the ones that are already crossed out on my Bucket List! I will update you on those completed goals in future blogs to come!

BUCKET LIST

1. MOVE TO AUSTIN

2. LEARN TO SWIM

3. LEARN TO RIDE A BIKE

4. LEARN TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT

5. TAKE SINGING LESSONS

6. TAKE DANCING LESSONS

7. BUY A SUIT

8. BE ON “WIPEOUT”

9. REACH GOAL WEIGHT OF 165 LBS.

10. START SCHOOL AGAIN

11. WRITE AT LEAST ONE BOOK/SCRIPT

12. GET A BETTER JOB

13. RIDE A HORSE

14. GET AT LEAST ONE TATTOO

15. BUY RINGS FOR RENE AND I

16. MARCH IN A GAY PRIDE PARADE

17. VISIT AN AMISH COMMUNITY

18. GO TO A RENAISSANCE FAIR

19. GO TO A COMIC-CON OR AN ANIME-CON

20. LEARN TO MAKE SUSHI

21. RIDE IN A HELICOPTER

22. GO TO A WATER PARK

23. GO TO A THEME PARK

24. GET MARRIED TO RENE

25. WIN A BIG PRIZE AT A COSTUME CONTEST

26. RIDE IN A HOT AIR BALLOON

27. START MY OWN PHOTOGRAPHY PORTFOLIO

28. GET BACK INTO MARTIAL ARTS

29. PURCHASE A VESPA/SCOOTER

30. GET A PET (PREFERABLY A WELSH CORGI)

31. GET A ROLE IN A FILM

32. LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE

33. FILM A MOVIE OR SHOW

34. EAT ALLIGATOR

35. ENTER A PHOTOGRAPHY CONTEST

36. GO TO A HAUNTED HOUSE

37. BE A VEGETARIAN FOR A MONTH

38. GET MY ASSOCIATES DEGREE

39. GET MY BACHELORS DEGREE

40. GET MY MASTERS DEGREE

41. GET MY DOCTORATES DEGREE

42. BE PUBLISHED

Good morning my friends. It is not a new thing that people like us should fear being seen for who we are. Fear of hate is a big thing. Hate ruins many things for so many others, it gets into religion, politics, schools, business, and even onto the streets. It seperates family and friends, it knows no boundries, it feels no other emotion. It consumes those who feel it and those who use it. Hate as I’ve come to understand it comes from fear. Fear of the unknown and unfortunately to many people we are the unknown. So they draw their own conclusions such as, child molestor, pervert, sinner. Whatever is said it comes from hate and fear for us. To qoute the great Jedi Master Yoda,

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

That is why we must make ourselves known! Believe it or not we are everywhere, we are everyone! We are teachers, police officers, bakers, students, your boss at work! But if nobody knows this…. then to them we are just an unclean few. The small group that must be eradicated before it spreads even further. Well news to them, we are everywhere. More of us than they care to imagine. And chances are they know a great deal of us and they don’t even know it.

I know it can scary to show yourself to friends, family, coworkers, or just anybody. But you can’t live in fear your whole life. You can’t hide who you are your whole life. People will still know, people will still talk, regardless what you do or say. We must remember that we are a people too, with as much rights to live, learn, and love. The same rights that are afforded even to the lowely dog.

There is no gay or straight marriage, there just is a marriage. Granted a marriage may or may not last forever but that’s everyone, not just us. Many people get married for many things, convenience, money, status, or even just a drunken night when there was nothing else to do. And homosexuals that want to marry for love, the original motivation for a marriage, and we are deemed wrong! To me that’s just funny and I truly believe that someone’s “family values” are seriously out of order!

We have got to learn to not be afraid of showing ourselves to others. Or even to not be afriad of the possibility of others noticing. We cannot fade into the shadows or run an hide once others appear. We are not and should not be a dirty secret! Not now or ever! We will live because that’s all that we got and that’s who we are. And for those of you out there still hiding your head in the sand, come on out and play. It’s a wonderful day and I promise that it’s only gonna get better!

Ok so it’s been quite some time since I’ve first started writing about this goal. And yes, I have learned a lot and am very proud of myself, but…. I don’t really know if I can really count this one as being completed.

Why? You may ask… Well as much as I’ve learned I still have struggled a bit when I found myself in deeper water. I mean I can swim from point A to point B and for a pretty long while! I can swim underwater, which I love!! I can dog peddal, back stroke, breast stroke, swim on my back, and even change directions while swimming! But the one thing I have yet to master is staying in one place…

I have to be constantly moving, as big as I am I can’t float! I’m like a shark, if I don’t swim I sink! Maybe I’m too tense! People do keep telling me to relax when I try to float… But is my tension that appearant? There are times where I am able to relax enough for a while and I float and swim more easily. But then the weight of the world seems to come back to me a drag me down. I would like to try anything to help me get along better with my swimming and I have.

Someone told me that running helps with swimming. I guess it’s an endurance thing and I have found it to be helpful. But doubt, fear and worry are my anchors I guess. When I run or do almost anything, halfway through I get the voice at the back of my head reminding me how hard it is. Then I’m reminded of the fact that I can quit at anytime… But I don’t wanna do that anymore! I can’t! I’ve lived my life on can’ts and maybes and it’s gotten me nowhere! If anything I might take it a small break then push on a short while later. I don’t know if that’s me still being lazy but it helps “trick” my mind into thinking I’ve rested…

Fear… the almighty demon that consumes most of us…. I’ve always had two major fears. One is falling, I love heights but I can’t be on unstable surfaces. Or feeling like I’m falling. The other is Drowning… I love being on boats, I love being near open water, but I’m scared to death of drowning. I guess that’s why I sometimes panic swiming in the deep. Gaby, my nefew in law, he’s the one that’s taught me how to swim. He told me not to worry about it. “The water’s just a peice of shit! You can do whatever you want with it! You move through it, don’t be afraid of it! If you sink just kick off the bottom or swim to one side till you’re somewhere safe.” That’s what I have to do… Since then I’ve practiced holding my breath and moving around underwater.

Worry… I’ve always been one to worry about everything and everyone! But not anymore… The world is not my responsibility. And it should’nt rest on my shoulders! I can’t help but worry most of the time. This affects me not only in my swimming but in other aspects of my life too. Maybe meditation will help me with this… But no matter what I do I am now begining to let it go… And life seems a bit easier now.

These are all things that have impeded my growth as a swimmer and as a person. And I guess certain things still linger but I’m working with it. Now my question is, with all I’ve learned and done, can I be considered a swimmer? Can I truly cross this one off my list? I still have much to learn and I probably won’t survive falling off a boat… but then again… I am now able to swim back to the boat! At best I guess I am a weak swimmer. But does that mean that I’ve accomplished this goal? What do you my readers think? Should I be able to cross #2 off my list?